I saw the movie Swingers today and it, along with several other factors in my life, got me thinking about... well, at the risk of sounding cliche, life, love, and the pursuit of happiness.For those of you who haven't seen the film, the story begins with the guy who has just been dumped (six months ago) from a six year relationship and he can't seem to move on from his ex. Perhaps this film is a bit contrite (for lack of a better word), in that it violates my half-rule: It takes exactly 1/2 the time you were in a relationship to completely get over it and not just be rebounding or whatever else (thus explaining why I generally end relationships at the one month mark). Nonetheless, six months after a breakup, it does seem a bit much to still be obsessing over your ex, so we'll give the film some credit.
I have been in exactly two relationships that lasted longer than a month and, although the 1/2 rule worked beautifully, both breakups were rather devastating: the first, because he was my first love, the second, because I was really really stupid. After all, not only did I greatly care for these men, but moreover I trusted them completely, including trusting them not to hurt me.
So today I pondered at what point do you give such trust? When do you start letting yourself feel in a relationship, letting yourself become attached to another? I'm not suggesting emotional dependency here, but at what point do you let your guard down and allow yourself to be vulnerable to the other person? When do you recognize that if the relationship ended, you would be sad and left with a sense of emptiness (for half the time of the relationship)?
I'll suggest that point happens somewhere between the one month mark of a relationship and engagement, but where exactly, I'm not so sure. Is there some sort of timeline that would indicate this point? Perhaps certain acts of endearment? Maybe even something like a checklist meaning if your significant other does x, y, and z, you are then in a position in which it is okay to trust.
I'm sure some will say that trust as such should come from the very beginning. Thank goodness overly-sarcastic and cynical rhetoric majors that would call such idealism "bullshit" except in a far more eloquent manner that I could ever write. I don't buy that wearing your heart on your sleeve is a good idea. Of course I'm not advocating shutting everyone out for fear of being hurt, but I suppose this is my question: when does it become okay to wear your heart on your sleeve?
One final comment before I go... in Swingers, they come up with some sort of 2-day/6-day rule about when you can or cannot call someone you're interested in. Most appropriately, the movie champions the relationship that violates this rule. But both in cinema and reality, what's with all the head games? I could rant on and on about such ballyhoo nonsense, but I think I'd rather not. I just don't get it though. Are our lives so boring that we must construct some sort of complex drama where we sweat and strategize over whether to pick up a telephone? Why does that just seem so absolutely ridiculous and lame?
