Ashamed

So by now everyone knows the Superbowl ads sucked this year. It was more than painfully obvious this year. Almost so bad it made me ashamed to be an advertiser. But not quite. Let's just be grateful neither Paris Hilton, nor Britney Spears, nor any member (former or otherwise) of a boy band was featured last night. Count your blessings. It could have been worse.

Considering how bad last night was I really won't waste too much time, but here's a quick wrap up for those interested.

First Quarter
BAD: Bud Light - Hidden In The Office. Message of the ad to consumers was "Bud Light makes you act like a savage." Who would want to buy that?

TERRIBLE: Burger King - Whopperettes. I know that Crispin Porter is a first-rate fantastic agency (they created all the fantastic stuff for MINI), but I hate everything they do for Burger King. I hate the King. I find him creepy. The Whopperettes were beyond stupid. Ugh! This is an ad nightmare.

STUPID: Sierra Mist - Aiport Security. I get the ad's point. The security gal wants the drink. But the guy gives up the drink in order to avoid a body cavity search. In ad world, that means the product can't be that good.

HORRIBLE: Bud Light - Revolving Refridgerator. Your stoner neighbors want your Bud. I never knew stoners were potential alcoholics. But I suppose it works.

NASA (Not A Superbowl Ad): Camry Hybrid - Bilingual. The decision to use this spot was last minute. Not a Superbowl ad. 'Nuf said.

HEHE: FedEx - Cavemen. Dinosaurs and cavemen are always good. Funny office humor is even better. Promotes strategy of "Keep your job, use FedEx." Extra points for being first good ad of the Superbowl.

UGH: Budlight - Bear. Letting a bear maul your buddy is never cool. Stealing is Bud isn't either. This ad is less than cool. It's ugh.

I WANT TO CLOSE MY EYES: Diet Pepsi - P. Diddy. Brown and bubbly??? WTF, Mate?! That sounds gross. Not refreshing. And when did P. Diddy become so retarded (no offense to actually retarded people) that he wants to sign a legal contract with a can of soda?

MEH: Aleve - Spock. I get it. It's kinda cute. Except everyone under 30 was wondering who that guy was for the first 29 seconds of the spot.

HUH?: Ameriquest - Hospital. This ad is funny. But I have no idea what it has to do with Ameriquest. Furthermore, I'm left wondering more than ever what the hell Ameriquest is. If you have to explain your ad (don't judge to quickly), you ad is sub-par. Go hire a new Creative Director.

HEHE: Bud Light - Toolbox. Extra points for being Bud Light's first decent ad of the evening. Funny, solid, hits the target market right on. No complaints.

LOOKING FOR RUSTY RAZORS: Diet Pepsi - Jackie Chan. Suddenly Jackie Chan is as stupid as P. Diddy. Only redeeming factor of this ad is using Diet Coke as the stunt double. At this point in the evening, I'm seriously considering shutting off the game.

THE POINT IN WHICH I LOST FAITH IN ADVERTISING: Geico. Two years ago, this was the most fantastic, creative, funny, witty, cute, etc. campaign on tv. Now they have the gecko, with a new accent, sitting on a chair at a night talk show, blabbing about the campaign strategy? Geico: Your ad agency hates you. I don't know why, but they do. If advertising has one rule, it's "never let your strategy show." Geico is now just point-blank telling consumers their ad strategy. I don't get it.

Second Quarter
I MIGHT BE THE ONLY ONE: Budweiser - Streaker. I might be the only one who didn't love this ad. But I didn't love it. Didn't even really like it. It's redeeming qualities were that I didn't fantasize about shoving needles in my eyes while watching it. Oh, and the two cowboys were a little too reminiscent of Brokeback Mountain for me. Brokeback Bud.

EH?: MobileESPN - Athletes. Cool concept. Poor execution. What was that guy doing on his cell phone for so long. Writing the next great American novel by text message?

SMILE: CareerBuilder - Monkeys Celebrate Sales. Monkeys and a party. How could they go wrong. It worked last year, it works this year. No points for originality, but I still love it.

UGLY: Escalade - Runway Show. I get the message, the strategy, and everything that went on in the board room. I understand why they went with this ad. But it's ugly. And stupid. And so cliche.

AWWW: Dove - Real Beauty. Feel good ad of the evening. I hate the overall campaign and its irony, but there's something very touching about Dove's attempt to connect with women.

KIDDIE AWARDS: Ford Hybrid - Kermit. Strategy is solid. Execution is solid. Kids are the #1 influences are auto buying decisions. Scary huh. The ad is kinda forgettable though. I bet you won't remember it in a week. And there's nothing Ford specific.

I MISSED IT: Micholob Ultra - Touch Football. I think I was in the bathroom for this ad. I saw it, but don't remember getting it at all. All I understood was beer + hot girls + football = sales attempt to men. Yawn.

WHERE'S MY KNIFE: Go Daddy.com. If you can't make an ad, I'm really not even going to bother to comment.

NASA: Gilette Fusion. This is not a Superbowl ad. Or at least it shouldn't be.

IS THE SUPERBOWL POWDERPUFF?: Overstock.com. Make the O a part of your life. When did Lifetime gain rights to the Superbowl? Why is this ad so female-centric? This ad should run during Oprah, not the Superbowl.

FORGETTABLE: Disney. I don't remember this ad. I think it was the 50 years one. I remember reading about it. And I remember it used the Notre Dame fight song as its soundtrack which I found odd. If it's forgettable, you've just wasted 2.6 million. Congrats.

Half Time
BEST: Sprint - Crime Deterrant. Bob Garfield said it best. When this spot ad, American collectively shot beer out of our noses from laughing so hard. The quintessential Superbowl ad.

WEIRD: Toyota Tacoma - Rock Climbing. Unrealistic. Weird. Needing to be explained. Lost on me.

NASA: Nokia - Dating Tips. This is not a Superbowl ad. In fact, it's been on tv for a couple of weeks already.

LOST AND CONFUSED: H3 - Three Little Bears. I half understand the idea behind this ad. And I've put some thought into it. Far more thought than your average, already half-drunk viewer. Props for trying to sell the largest vehicle family on the road (Hummer) with a children's story.

THE MOMENT I KILLED MYSELF: Geico repeated their horrible commercial. During the Superbowl. And I found multiple rusty knives, renouncing any relation to the world of advertising.

RENEWED FAITH: Disney - I'm Going To Disney World. It's an old strategy renewed. I love it. So natural. So simple. As a perfect ad should be. And after I win my first Clio, I'm totally going to Disney World.

Third Quarter
OUT TO SEA: Ameriquest - Plane. Same strategy as before. Funny. Original. Realistic. Has nothing to do with the product. I still have no idea what Ameriquest is.

ALIEN AD: Moto - Pebble. And the weirdest ad of the evening award goes to... There's being weird, and then there's being so weird you're bad. This was the latter.

TRYING TOO HARD: Sharpie - Pirate. This had to potential to be funny. But it was like trying to listen to me tell a good story. I try so hard, I fail miserably. And then I want you to laugh and you've totally missed my poorly delivered punchline. And then there's awkward silence.

CLOSE SECOND BEST: Anheuser - Young Clysdale. This ad was so cute. I really think cute, classic, and funny are three of the main ingredients in a good superbowl ad. This was almost as good as last year's donkey ad, where for 30 seconds I fell in love with a donkey.

WTF, MATE?: Nationwide - Fabio. Hey guys. I've got a great idea. Let's revive a really scary character who was never cool to begin with and feature him in the most expensive ad of the year. And then we'll make him creepy. As if he wasn't creepy enough to start with. And let's make this ad for insurance. Who's with me?

HEY, I WAS DESPARATE: NFL Mobile - Old Fashioned. This is the ad where the guy is in the supermarket checking sports scores on his cell phone and some other guy tells him to go do it the old-fashioned way - on the internet. (Drums to indicate punchline). I chuckled. But only because I was desparate. Most years I would have gone to the bathroom during this ad.

BIZARRE WINNER: Hummer - Little Monster. If Godzilla married a Robot and they had a child, it would be a Hummer. For some reason, I like the idea. And the execution was kinda cute. In an ugly way. So it's a winner. But I'm still not sure why.

COPYCAT: PS - Biosuits. Biosuits are all the rage. First Postal Service in their music video, then Apple, now PS during the Superbowl. If all the cool kids jumped off the Brooklyn Bridge, would PS do it too?

SECOND ROUND CHUCKLE: CareerBuilder - Monkeys and Jackasses. They expand a winning strategy. I love it. Just not as funny as monkeys going bananas (haha - pun totally intended) over skewed sales figures.

NASA: Taco Bell - Geek Love. This is not a Superbowl ad. I barely remember it. There was nothing creative about it. Nothing funny. I hate it. Boo.

NASA: SlimFast - I don't remember this ad. But I do remember watching it. I just remember nothing about it. Not a Superbowl ad. Lame.

Fourth Quarter (Thank Heavens It's Almost Over!)
LESS-GOOD: Sprint - Couch On Fire. Clearly Sprint was the winner of the ad wars this year. This spot was less-good than the crime deterrant ad, but still solid. Still clearly a Superbowl ad. Which is better than 90% of the other ads.

SECOND SIN: Toyota -Tacoma. Commits the same sin Geico did. They run the same shitty ad. In the Superbowl. Are you f*ing crazy?! What the hell is wrong with you people?!

NASA: Hardees - Cars. Hot girl + Cars + Burgers = sales to men. This is not a Superbowl ad.

POOP: Degree - Stunt City. I hated this ad. No reason. Perhaps it was all the previous shit that was passed off for ads that put me in a bad mood.

EXPECTED: Emerald Nuts. You have to love Emerald Nuts. They basically run one ad a year. During the Superbowl. I'm not sure they advertise anywhere else. And their ads are always weird acronyms of their name. Whatever works.

NASA: Fidelity - Paul McCartney. Dear Fidelity. Didn't you get the memo? McCartney was SO last year. Seriously. This year's halftime was the Rolling Stones. Please update your ad.

WOULD HAVE BEEN COOLER IN REALITY: Budweiser - Cards. Dear Budweiser, Instead of spending some $3-4 million in the production and media for this ad, how about paying everyone in the stadium a few dollars to actually make this a reality? Would have been so much cooler.

CLASSIC: Mastercard - MacGyver. Classic campaign. Classic star. Perhaps too classic. That's why no one loved/remembered it.

BOO: Honda Ridgeline - Truck Characters. Yosemite Sam and that girl. Hmmm. I don't get it. Eh. Boo. I don't care. I'm getting really drunk at this point.

HOORAY: Beer Institute - Salute to Beer. The whole world, and all of its advertisers salute beer. The world does so because its cool. Advertisers do so because we're shamed alcoholics. Tonight has sucked for us.

HOME RUN: Some Baseball League. I love it. Advertise baseball during the biggest football game. Actually really brilliant the more I think about it. Where's the NHL?

THIRD DEATH: Go Daddy runs the same terrible ad. Again. I weep in a corner.

SECOND TO LAST: Hardee's - Steak and Egg Burrito. The only redeeming quality about this ad was that it was second to last in the evening. And it didn't make me want to kill myself. Still, not funny, not creative, not a Superbowl Ad.

MAKE IT STOP: Outback - Boomerang. Was anyone else bothered by the fact that the accent didn't match the man? It totally threw me off. I have no idea what the ad was about because I was too focused on this discrepancy.

SUPER-DUPER HONORABLE MENTION: ABC - Desparate Housewives, Lost, and Dancing With The Stars. These were some of the best spots of the night. Even if they aren't technically ads. I loved them.